How to advise without ruffling feathers

A little humility goes a long way

I’ve been a part of many group activities over the course of my life. A simple lesson that I learned from my church choir provided great insight into how to help others- without hurting feelings or ruffling feathers.

This technique can be applied in many group situations and is highly effective (if used sparingly).

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Group dynamics

It’s always a challenge to keep a group working smoothly. This is even more important in a volunteer group as the members can come and go as they wish.

All volunteer organizations know that without the active involvement of “the people”, the group as a whole can suffer, and in the most extreme case, fade away. Everybody has heard of groups that splintered and died because of internal politics or disagreements. To be successful, you must attract and retain enthusiastic members.

Criticism hurts

In a performance organization, such as an acting troupe or church choir, the delicate line between helping the group improve is balanced by the need to keep everyone moving forward.

“Get it right Fred!” … Is probably not going to improve things or keep the group moving forward…

It’s the director’s job

Clearly the director or head of any group has a prime responsibility to be alert for and then correct errors, but as a member of the group, I know how hard it is for the director to hear and see everything, so I feel it’s part of my job to help when I can without getting in the director’s way or trying to take over.

“I’d like to hear that again”

The realization of how this phrase works hit me suddenly one evening as I was practicing with the choir. I had noticed that one of the better members of my section would say something like this in places where we weren’t “wrong”, but we weren’t “solid” either. We sang it well enough not to catch the director’s attention but with room for improvement.

I was usually glad for the chance to revisit that portion of the music, and very glad that some of the other members had the same chance.
That evening, the realization hit me: the person asking to work on the portion of music was not asking for himself (even though he said he was), he said that to get the director to help the whole section! (and once the director had the section work on the specific portion of music, the director would be able to hear and fix the problem – even if the problem was with one of the other members!)

What’s to be upset about?

This simple act of humility – asking that the group look into one problem, because the requester had an issue with it – is a much better and nicer way to call attention to a problem area then saying something like, “Chuck’s having a problem here” or “Sara keeps missing her cue”. It allowed the group to get better while avoiding potential conflicts and without singling out any individuals. I left the practice that evening chuckling to myself at the subtly powerful wisdom of it.

Tact – that’s a good thing

Over the years since, I’ve seen it used again and again, and employed it myself on occasion. (And occasionally is the right way to think of it – try this too much and it may start looking like a setup;-)

But I’m pretty sure you can find a good way to use this tactic – people with skills and confidence are not afraid to practice one more time, learn new things, and work hard. For example, you might take a piece of writing and ask “could you explain that to me – I don’t quite understand it” – when you’ve noticed a section that could use a re-write;-)

After all, that is how they got to be skillful and confident!-)