You Just Don’t Listen

Attention, Intention, and Tension

Pretty much everybody has heard this phrase, and probably quite a few have used it.

But take care before you start suggesting the other guy doesn’t listen…

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Attention

It doesn’t count unless the other person is giving you their attention. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

Saying things into the thin air doesn’t mean the other even knows to listen.

Think about it. Fred is working on something – let’s say washing the dishes. And Bob starts talking about what has to happen the next morning to make things go well.

Afterwords Bob is unhappy to find out that Fred didn’t know anything at all about the next morning.

“You just don’t listen.”

But from Fred’s point of view, the conversation never happened. He was working on one task while thinking of his own issues.

Bob never addressed Fred, got his attention, and then told him what he needed him to know.

Similar situations can occur when two people are having a conversation and expect that a third party (who isn’t part of the conversation) should know what transpired. And if Tom’s in the middle of something complex, the answer to “do you have a minute to talk Tom?” might be an emphatic “No” – and the polite response is to find a time when Tom can concentrate on the new matter…

Intention

What did you mean…

Consider word play like “jumbo shrimp” within a conversation. Which is more important the jumbo part or the shrimp part?

This was highlighted for me just the other day when the response to “when would you like to get there?”  was answered with “It doesn’t matter, I’ll be ready to go at 8:30.”

When 8:40 rolled around, the other party was unhappy that we weren’t on the road yet.

Apparently I had put too much weight behind the “It doesn’t matter”, and they had intended the “I’ll be ready to go at 8:30” as a definitive answer.

If the message has parts, be careful that the other party weighs them the same as you!

Tension

The actual words you use matter…

And yes, It seems that people sometimes use the wrong words.

This was an early lesson for me – and well documented. One of my out of town wedding guests was quite delayed. Apparently the instructions I provided said to take one highway North to a road and then turn Right / West. If you’re quick, you just noticed that those people that turned “Right” were fine, but the “West” was 180 degrees off – and they went off until they figured out that they were heading away from where we actually wanted them to go.

But of course it isn’t polite to question everyone all of the time.

“Did you mean for me to turn here?”

“Was that 5:00 when we should arrive?”

“Are you sure it was 400 degrees?”

I don’t know about you, but I’d hate to live in that world.

And actual listening – that’d get you in trouble in this case;-)

Listening

Perhaps what’s meant is – you don’t instantly give me your full attention while you’re in my presence, understand what’s most important to me, and read my mind.

But the thing that comes out is “you don’t listen very well, do you?”