Unreasonable Expectations

Or rather – managing unreasonable expectations

Get that project finished in three days.

Deliver at 40% less cost than you agreed to.

Get the kids to sports at 4, pick up some groceries while you’re out, and make sure dinner is ready at 5:30.

Perhaps it’s just me, but just because somebody says so, doesn’t mean I have to… Let’s have a look at how to deal with unreasonable expectations.

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Starting with the expectations

Everyone has expectations, and everyone expects things of others – there’s nothing new about that.

But I’ve noticed some things about them lately that give me pause. Let’s start with a look across all kinds of expectations.

Reasonable expectations

These are the ones that exist to help the world go smoothly. Some for social situations, others for law and order, and a few for living in close spaces together.

Some might be classified as manners, while others take on the form of rules and laws.

It’s good manners to avoid speaking with your mouth full because few people like to see food spitting out of other’s mouths while eating…  If we happen to be eating together, I’ll expect that of you.

It’s a violation of the rules of the road to swerve erratically, cut people off, and otherwise drive unsafely. Not only do we expect it of drivers, we enforce it through laws, regulations, safety patrols, and the court system.

And yes, when we’re living together in a dorm room, I expect you to throw away your moldy, stinky food. (And this also applies to shared refrigerator space in the office;-)

Agreed upon expectations

Now the first class of expectations are “generally agreed upon”, and that means, I don’t really expect to have to have a conversation around them. They are so “normal” that I expect you’re aware of them.

But when something comes up that indicates a difference of culture, home life, or style, we often create new expectations with some sort of agreement.

Around food – someone from the office plans a casual “get everybody out to lunch” event. They should let others know where and when they’re going by some reasonable time in the morning so that everyone can make arrangements.

Around travel – when it’s your turn to get picked up by the car-pool, you’ll be ready to walk out and go within a minute or two of the car arriving.

And around living together – if you see the sock on the door-knob, you’ll respect the “do not disturb” indicator.

Breaking expectations

And if you’ve got expectations, you know they will be broken once in a while.

The general expectation is that you have a good reason for doing so…

“I’m sorry I disturbed your presentation, a bee flew into my face.”

“…I had a coughing fit.”

“…Tom made me laugh while I was drinking.”

And I’ll understand…  But do it too often, and I’ll consider you a cad.

New expectations

Here’s where they start to go awry.

The neighbors are suddenly miffed, and it isn’t until later that you find out why. When you purchased the new car last month, you didn’t invite them over to have a look.

It’s not something you’ve ever thought of, but apparently in this area it’s expected.

To get out of the situation, you’ll need to employ the “I didn’t know” apology.

To keep it from happening again, you’ve got to make sure you stay open to catch wind of others’ social and cultural expectations.

Demanded expectations

Here’s where I don’t just follow.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been trained on good management technique – if you work for me, and I’d like you to perform at your best, I really ought to work with you to come up with the schedule and commitments.

Sure, I might feel the need to press and ask for an aggressive time schedule, but probably wouldn’t want to come close to dictating it. If we work through the issues, you’ll come away with a sense of commitment for holding up the agreement. (see agreed upon expectations above)

But some people seem to feel completely justified in simply demanding things from subordinates.

Hours, effort, first borns…

Ok, that last item is probably over the top, but the feeling is the same.

And here’s another class – how about when the person doing the demanding doesn’t even have any authority?!

That’s always a cheeky situation…

Management of expectations

So that’s where we get to – how to manage all of these expectations.

I’ve found the mantras of “more information” and “inform early and often” to be the most help – in any kind of situation.

If the expectations are being met, or not in jeopardy, information helps everyone to stay calm.

• “I’m on schedule”
• “Things are fine”
• “See you on the 12th”

The lack of information might just raise concerns. (“I haven’t heard from Fred in 2 weeks.”)

When an expectation is not going to be met, it’s another good time to share:

• “It looks like we’ve got to delay 3 days because …”
• “Since the supplier can’t get us the widgets, we’ve got to …”
• “The latest hurricane shut down the plant, and we’re finding an alternate …”

Notice how I’ve alluded to a couple parts – the situation, the cause, and the solution. That helps the other guy understand what’s happening, why it’s happening, and what you’re doing about it.

And lastly, sharing information is a good way to head off a problem at the start.

• “Frank, I heard you just say that you want me to work in the office on Saturday. I’m not going to be able to do that for you…”
• “Gwen, the broken widget is not my responsibility, and I’m not able to come over and fix it for you.”
• “Zev, I’d like to be able to help you, but I don’t have any way to do that, let me recommend you call …”

Sure, it might seem a bit confrontive, but the other person has already demanded that you do something that isn’t reasonable now haven’t they?-)

Consider the confrontation if you don’t speak up at the beginning, and by remaining silent, imply that you’ll do what they’ve demanded…

So yes, just because it’s demanded doesn’t mean you have to…

Oh, I guess I ought to at least talk about the audacity of people making these sorts of unreasonable demands.

Yeah – it’s a pity, but there isn’t anything you can do about it. They’ve come to expect that they can make these sorts of demands. Either people have complied, or haven’t quit or otherwise left.

Or maybe they have – and the one doing the demanding has been too clueless to notice…

Any way around it, you’ve still got to manage yourself – and that’s all you can do.